At 2:30 in the afternoon I got a phone call. It was Jill, my 15 year old neighbor. She apologized for waking me, and then clumsily explained the reason she called. It seemed that Jill had a couple girlfriends over, and she figured I could provide them with some spirituous beverages. This is the point where a responsible adult would have declined her request, and issued a stern lecture. But, since I didn't see anyone else around, I agreed, and hung-up before she could smother me with appreciation. I'd bought alcohol for Jill several times before with no moral qualms, but this time I felt rather hesitant. I was starting to get the distinct impression she was using me simply to fulfill her lust for inebriation. Scratch that. I knew she was using me, but I was starting to realize I didn't like it.
Jill wanted a bottle of Jack Daniel's. What kind of girl drinks Jack Daniel's? Girls never drink Jack Daniel's. Especially not 15 year old vegan girls that wear sandals a lot, and talk about Whale Wars. Girls like that don't drink whiskey, men do. Jill was only 15, so I gave her the benefit of the doubt and assumed she'd only been sexually active for about 8 years. Still, I had a sneaking suspicion she was lying to me about the kind of company she was currently keeping. I changed my mind, I wasn't bringing her any booze this time.
I sent her a txt on my phone. It read: "hey.. I'll get u sum JD but we gotta drink it togethr ; )" The winky face was key. Thoughts of me in a dirty bathrobe taking advantage of her fragile naked body probably raced through her head. In her mind, the cool older guy next door was instantly replaced by a beer swilling rapist from the backwoods. Totally freaked her out. I probably won't hear from her for a while. Mission accomplished. As I write this, I raise a newly poured glass of Jack Daniel's high into the air. Cheers.